Idiots Guide to Babysitting
by ZoologyKaM
Summary: Zim writes a guide on how to care for Twin Human/Irken Smeet-Babies. [sequel to Return to Irk] "Store this in the knowledge centers in your filthy earth cities! Your lives may depend on it!" Zim
1. Introduction

_**A/N:**__ Hi and welcome to the Idiots Guide for Babysitting! I know some of you were excited to see this and in fact the only reason I'm making this story available so quickly is because I've already had the first chapter written since about halfway through Return To Irk. The other chapters are likely to be slow in coming because I want to make them good (and because it's the end of the semester and I have no time to write). _

_So enjoy this now! I hope you like the beginning I thought it was really funny. LEAVE REVIEWS!_

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**Introduction**

Listen to me now Earth-Worm-Child. I ZIM have something to say. I understand this may be hard for your tiny human mind to comprehend but I am an alien. Yes yes, You are surprised. I'm sure you are wondering how someone so normal looking could possibly be an alien but I assure you it's true. In fact I am not simply a warrior, I am the Almighty Ruler of the Superior Irken Race!

I suppose your tiny human meat-brain must be in shock from this news by now but PAY ATTENTION! I have information vital to the existence of your pathetic planet. Oh I'm sure you're thinking "What could possibly be so dangerous that such a mighty Irken could not handle?" And yes I am amazing, but now is the time to listen.

In the past years I have hidden from your earth authorities, battled with an annoying large-headed human, overthrown the leaders of the Irken Empire, and fought a purple-eyed psycopath out for revenge, but I have never come across a situation more dangerous than the one I am about to tell you of. Keep this information stored in your knowledge centers in your filthy cities, ZIM COMMANDS YOU! Because I am about to tell you how to babysit an Irken/Human smeet-baby.

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**Background**

On the day in question I was down in my lab, testing how pumping goo under the cloaclemandibularus muscle of an earth shark would affect its ability to swim through pudding. My… 'advanced' Standered Information Retrieval robot GIR (I still wonder what the G stands for) was off in a corner playing with a rubber piggy. Honestly I was just glad he was being quiet. My earth partner Kam was up in the Above-ground-human-area of our new housing unit caring for our newborn smeetlings. I know she told me to work on making that extra room in the base for the twins but I didn't know how much a containment unit was required.

You see once released from its pod, an irken smeet is immediately able to walk talk and care for itself. Well I mean after it is activated by its ID PAK that is. I really didn't consider that their intelligence might be impaired by the human DNA from their mother. I know better now. Human babies are typically even more stupid than the adult humans. And the average adult human is REALLY STUPID! The twins are not as stupid as a human baby. They do gain some intelligence from their PAKs, but that doesn't make them easier to handle… NO!... that makes them all the more dangerous.

You see while Irken smeets already have all the previous knowledge of all past Irkens, Earthling babies are required to learn everything themselves. That's why their race is typically more stupid than dookie. They are also very curious.

We have only been back from my home planet Irk for a week, and yet that already seems far too long.

Kam called me upstairs that morning telling me she would be going out with that horrible demon-girl Gaz. I told her to have fun and take her time. The longer she was gone the more time I could work on a few experiments on that happy human. It's one that I had caught years ago, it hasn't changed much… well it has grown but other than that it is still frighteningly happy. Kam had told me to release it but I stuck it in a stasis field instead and hid it in a corner of the lab. Just don't tell her or the Dib-monkey. They might get the wrong idea.

Of course when I first thought of using the time for experiments I did not realize how much attention the twins would require. I learned of my mistake soon after Kam had left. She yelled down the elevator to tell me to come up and take the twins . She walked out the door and it was not more than two minutes later that I went up to find the upper section of our shelter unit in utter destruction. I still have yet to figure out how the tacos got on the ceiling.

I found the twins in mine and Kam's room. Larkz was jumping on the bed with his PAK legs and shredding the mattress in the process due to the sharpened points of the PAK extensions. I grabbed him first.

It was simple to locate his sister, I only had to follow the banging noise. She was in the kitchen smashing GIR's pots and pans together. GIR meanwhile stood screaming. He tried to stop her yelling about how he needed those for waffles but she fooled him by laughing and smashing him right in the head. I used a small laser to shoot a hole through the pan she was holding, and during her confusion snatched her away from the cooking tools.

This brings me to the structure of this book.

I have made a set of rules and I shall add more when I think of them. These rules are very important for a HORID DOOM SHALL BE BROUGHT ON YOU ALL SHOULD YOU FAIL TO OBEY THEM! These are the points I have deemed most critical for the safety of your pathetic race. Read them as if your life depends on it! ...Because it does!

The first rule is the one I have deemed most crucial. The following ones are in regard to different situations I have encountered.

1) Smeets are not cute

2) Keep them away from lasers

3) Watch them closely while they play with your robot

4) Don't let them run opposite directions

5) Never let them outside

Keep these well in mind human. I now present the Irken's Guide to Babysitting.


	2. Rule 1: Beware the Cuteness

**Rule Number One: A smeet is NOT Cute!**

**Cute  
**_(adjective) _Irresistibly charming, sweet, small, and just totally adorable in a way that makes you sigh.  
Example: _Daaawww! Look at that cute smoofy woofy face!_

The human race seems to have a weakness for things they consider cute. It can be anything, ranging from a small infantile form of life to a smaller than average piece of fruit. I once have even witnessed a human say how "cute like a baby" a small doughnut was when compared with a larger fully glazed sugary goodness. It is truly a strange phenomenon.

During the time a human is within range of a "cute" thing, they are often overcome with the need to make strange faces, as well as the inability to speak in full sentences nor have proper enunciation of individual words. "wook at da widdle ting" is one example of the latter. As for the making of strange faces, Humans seem to believe that a distortion of their facial features will amuse the cute object or creature. Most often however this has the opposite effect. Human children cry a lot.

When making these faces, humans rarely pay attention to the area around them. I have once thought that use of a cute object would be the best way to take over this pathetic planet, however that was a long time ago, and I discovered that cute creatures are very difficult to control.

**The Weapons of Cuteness:**

**1) The Eyes.**

If a cute creature wants to get its way, it can enlarge its eyes, often with a small layering of saltwater tears to give the eyes a shimmering effect. This is very dangerous.

Just after I picked up Jenni from the pots and pans, she struggled in my arms reaching back down toward Gir who was coddling his waffle pan with the smoking hole in it.

"No, Jenni. You can't play with those." I said.

She beat her tiny fists against my arm then, after I shook her up and down showing her that I wouldn't let go, she squirmed around to turn herself to face me. Her eyes grew very large and her lower lip extended in a pout. Now unlike humans I don't think things are cute, and in fact the sight of this greatly disturbed me. I felt nervous holding her while she stared at me like that.

I failed to pay attention to what she was doing, and a moment later a frying pan smashed into my head. Needless to say I dropped the twins to cover my aching brain.

**2) Crying**

Should the first option fail, a cute creature will often turn to tears. Fortunately for me only one of my children actually has the human capability of producing tears; though his tears are more like the diluted goo that fills our body cavities.

When I dropped them, the twins scattered (I will discuss the problems of running in different directions in a later chapter). I chased after Jenni at first, until I heard GIR screaming again. I rushed back to the kitchen to find Larkz shaking around the antenna that used to be on top of GIR's head. How he got it off I'll never be able to figure out since it took me ages to properly reattach it.

I hurried over and grabbed the antenna from his hands. It was not even a half a second later that his deafening cries ripped at the audio receptors in my antennae. I quickly attempted to offer other objects that he could play with but he took and threw them all across the room while the floor became wet and slippery from his gooey tears. In the end, with my head feeling as if it were about to split in half, I returned the robot antenna to his hand. He immediately stopped crying and started laughing, waving the antenna around in the air.

**3) Single Syllable Words**

If I had to give the twins an intelligence level akin to that of a human, I would say around 1 and a half years old. They are able to walk and are just learning to talk. I sincerely wish that Kam would have let us simply download the knowledge into them.

**3.a. No!**

I had decided that Larks would be fine where he was and went back to chasing his sister. When I finally scooped her up in my arms she attempted the large eyes again. But Zim is not so foolish to fall for the same trick twice. No now she started hitting me in the face with her tiny fists yelling "NO NO NO!" It was painful and annoying but not unendurable. I got her back to the kitchen so she was next to her brother where I could watch both of them.

**3.b. Mine!**

Once they were next to each other, Jenni decided she wanted to play with GIR's antenna also. Larkz didn't like this idea. "Mine!" Larkz yelled pulling on the top of the antenna. His sister responded with a slightly louder "MINE!" tugging on the bottom end. This went back and forth until they hit a volume that I could no longer stand and grabbed the antenna out of both their hands.

Larkz started crying, while Jenni jumped up and reached her arms up at me, jumping up and down yelling "MIIIINE!" It was truly lucky for me that they had both forgotten about the extending spider legs that are stored in their PAKs or it might have been harder to keep the antenna out of their reach.

XXX

**Conclusion**

Cuteness is dangerous for both Humans and Irkens, and an Irken/human hybrid smeet is very capable of using it to his or her advantage.

BEWARE THE CUTENESS!

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_**A/N:**__ Sorry this took so long to get out. I hope you all find it useful should you ever be in this odd position. BEWARE THE CUUTENESSS! THE CUUUUUTENNEEESSSS!_


End file.
